Dr. Marcus N. Tanner

January 28th, 2025

Welcome back to Tuesdays with Dr. Tanner! Over the past few weeks, we’ve discussed emotional connection, small moments, and empathetic listening. This week, we’re focusing on another simple yet transformative habit: expressing appreciation.

Why Appreciation Matters

What if I told you that a few words of gratitude could strengthen your relationship in powerful ways? The truth is, we all have a fundamental need to feel valued and seen. Expressing appreciation is one of the simplest ways to build emotional connection, deepen trust, and remind your partner that their efforts don’t go unnoticed.

As William James famously said, “The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.” When you take a moment to acknowledge your partner’s contributions—no matter how big or small—you’re filling that essential need. It’s like saying, “I see you. I value you. You matter to me.”

Unfortunately, in the hustle of daily life, we often forget to express gratitude. Over time, this oversight can lead to feelings of neglect, resentment, or disconnection. On the other hand, when appreciation becomes a regular habit, it transforms the emotional energy in your relationship. Your partner feels noticed and cherished, and you both feel closer as a result.

The Science of Appreciation

Research backs up the power of expressing gratitude in relationships. Studies have shown that couples who regularly express appreciation:

1. Feel More Satisfied: Expressing gratitude enhances overall relationship satisfaction by fostering positive emotions.
2. Strengthen Trust: When partners feel appreciated, they’re more likely to trust and rely on each other.
3. Reduce Conflict: Gratitude helps balance out negative interactions and makes disagreements feel less significant.
4. Promote Longevity: Relationships that incorporate regular expressions of appreciation are more likely to stand the test of time.

In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research highlights the importance of maintaining a ratio of five positive interactions (including expressions of gratitude) for every one negative interaction. This balance keeps your relationship healthy and resilient.

What Does Expressing Appreciation Look Like?

Expressing appreciation doesn’t require grand gestures. Often, it’s the small, consistent moments that matter most. The key is to be specific and genuine with your words.

Here are a few examples:

• “Thank you for making me laugh today. I needed that.”
• “I really appreciate how hard you work to provide for our family.”
• “I’m grateful for how you listen to me when I need to talk. It means so much.”
• “Thank you for doing the dishes tonight. It gave me a chance to relax.”
• “You’re always so thoughtful—like when you made me coffee this morning. It made my day better.”

The magic of these small acknowledgments lies in their consistency. When you express appreciation regularly, you’re making deposits into your relationship’s emotional bank account. Over time, these deposits create a cushion of trust, love, and connection that helps you weather challenges.

Overcoming Barriers to Expressing Appreciation

If expressing appreciation is so simple, why don’t we do it more often? There are a few common barriers:

1. Taking Each Other for Granted
   • It’s easy to overlook the things our partners do when they’ve become routine. For example, maybe your partner always makes the bed or takes out the trash, and you’ve come to expect it. Over time, this lack of acknowledgment can lead to feelings of invisibility.
   • Solution: Notice and acknowledge the everyday contributions your partner makes—no matter how small. A simple, “Thank you for doing that,” can go a long way.
2. Feeling Awkward or Uncomfortable
   • Some people find it difficult to express appreciation because it feels unfamiliar or awkward. You might worry that your partner will think you’re being insincere.
   • Solution: Start small and be genuine. You don’t have to say anything elaborate—just be specific about what you appreciate and why it matters to you.
3. Focusing on the Negative
   • When we’re stressed or frustrated, it’s easy to focus on what’s going wrong in the relationship instead of what’s going right. This negativity can overshadow opportunities for gratitude.
   • Solution: Shift your mindset by actively looking for things to appreciate. The more you practice noticing the good, the easier it becomes.

How to Make Expressing Appreciation a Daily Habit

Ready to transform your relationship with the power of appreciation? Here’s how to start:

1. Be Specific
   • General compliments like “You’re great” are nice, but specific acknowledgments carry more weight. Focus on what your partner did and how it impacted you:
     • “I loved how you made time to help me with that project. It meant a lot.”
2. Look for the Small Things
   • Don’t wait for big moments to express appreciation. Notice the little ways your partner contributes to your life:
     • “Thanks for folding the laundry—I really appreciated the help.”
3. Say It Out Loud
   • Don’t keep your gratitude to yourself. Verbalize it! Even a quick comment can make your partner’s day.
4. Write It Down
   • If saying it out loud feels challenging, try writing a note, sending a text, or leaving a sticky note. A written message can be just as impactful.
5. Make It a Habit
   • Set an intention to express one specific appreciation to your partner every day. The more you practice, the more natural it will become.

This Week’s Challenge

Here’s your task: Each day this week, tell your partner one thing you appreciate about them. It can be something small, like acknowledging a task they did, or something bigger, like appreciating their support or kindness.

Here are some prompts to get you started:

• “I appreciate it when you…”
• “It really meant a lot to me that you…”
• “Thank you for…”

You might be surprised by how quickly this small habit can shift the energy in your relationship. Not only will your partner feel more valued, but you’ll also start noticing and appreciating the good more often.

Real-Life Example

Let’s consider a couple, Mike and Sarah. Mike has been feeling unappreciated lately because his efforts to help around the house go unnoticed. Sarah decides to take on this week’s challenge and starts expressing her gratitude:

• “Thank you for making dinner tonight. It was so nice to have a break.”
• “I really appreciate how you cleaned up the kitchen—it made my morning so much smoother.”
• “You’re always so thoughtful about remembering the little things. I love that about you.”

By the end of the week, Mike feels more valued and connected to Sarah, and their relationship feels lighter and more positive. These small acknowledgments make a big impact.

A Final Thought

Expressing appreciation costs nothing, but it can mean everything. It’s a simple habit that strengthens trust, deepens connection, and fosters a sense of joy and gratitude in your relationship.

Start today. Notice the good, share your gratitude, and watch how it strengthens your bond.

I’ll see you next Tuesday for more tips on building healthier, happier relationships.

Take care, everyone