Dr. Marcus N. Tanner

January 14th, 2025

Welcome back to Tuesdays with Dr. Tanner! Last week, we discussed the importance of emotional connection as the foundation of every great relationship. This week, we’re diving into a simple yet powerful truth: small, everyday moments matter the most.

The Power of Small Moments

Have you ever pointed out a beautiful sunset, shared a funny story, or asked your partner, “How was your day?” These little moments may seem insignificant, but they hold immense power in your relationship. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, calls these moments bids for connection.

A “bid for connection” is any attempt to engage your partner—saying, “Notice me. Be with me. Connect with me.” These bids might be verbal, such as sharing a thought or asking a question, or nonverbal, like a smile, a hug, or even eye contact. When your partner responds with attention and care, you’re strengthening the emotional foundation of your relationship.

Why Bids for Connection Matter

Research shows that couples who consistently turn toward each other during these small moments are far more likely to have strong, lasting relationships. It’s not about grand romantic gestures or life-changing conversations—it’s about showing up in the everyday moments that often go unnoticed.

Let’s break it down with a few simple examples:

1. Responding to the Little Things
   • When your partner shares something seemingly small—like pointing out a sunset or mentioning a favorite memory—you have a choice. You can turn away, ignore it, or half-heartedly respond. Or you can turn toward them and engage. For example:
     • Your partner: “Wow, that’s a gorgeous sunset!”
     • Your response: “It really is! Look at those colors… so beautiful.”
   • This response may take only a second, but it’s a small moment that says, “I see you. I’m here with you.” These moments add up and create a deeper sense of connection.
2. Listening with Presence
   • Sometimes, a bid for connection is as simple as your partner wanting to share a story or vent about their day. Your ability to listen—truly listen—is a powerful way to say, “You matter to me.”
   • For instance:
     • Your partner: “Work was so stressful today… my boss just kept piling on tasks.”
     • Your response: “I’m really sorry to hear that. That sounds overwhelming… tell me more about what happened.”
   • By turning toward your partner’s bid for connection and offering your full attention, you validate their experience and reinforce trust.
3. Acknowledging Effort and Gratitude
   • Noticing the small efforts your partner makes—and expressing gratitude for them—is another way to turn toward connection. These acknowledgments can be simple:
     • “Thank you for making dinner tonight. It was delicious.”
     • “I really appreciate you taking care of that chore—it means a lot to me.”
     • “You always know how to make me smile. Thank you for being you.”
   • Small expressions of gratitude help your partner feel seen and valued, strengthening the bond between you.

The Science Behind Small Moments

Dr. John Gottman’s research highlights how vital these small bids for connection are to long-term relationship success. In his studies, Gottman observed couples during interactions and found that those who regularly turned toward each other’s bids had far stronger relationships.

The concept is simple: when you consistently show up for the small moments, you’re creating a relationship that can weather life’s challenges. On the other hand, ignoring these bids can create emotional distance over time.

Gottman emphasizes the importance of consistency with his phrase, “Small things often.” Showing up for your partner in everyday moments builds trust, emotional safety, and intimacy. Over time, these micro-interactions form a foundation of love and connection that can last a lifetime.

Common Barriers to Responding

Despite its simplicity, responding to bids for connection isn’t always easy. Let’s explore some common barriers and how to overcome them:

1. Distractions
   • In today’s fast-paced world, distractions like phones, work stress, and screens can pull us away from our partners. When your partner bids for connection, it’s easy to miss it if you’re distracted.
   • Solution: Practice mindfulness by being fully present. If you’re busy, acknowledge your partner’s bid and commit to revisiting it later: “I really want to hear about this—can we talk in a few minutes when I can give you my full attention?”
2. Stress and Fatigue
   • When you’re tired, overwhelmed, or stressed, it’s natural to feel less engaged. However, even small moments of connection can provide emotional relief and help you feel closer to your partner.
   • Solution: Start with tiny actions, like a smile, a hug, or a brief acknowledgment. Connection doesn’t have to take a lot of energy—small gestures can go a long way.
3. Assuming It’s Unimportant
   • Sometimes, we overlook small bids for connection because they seem insignificant. For example, dismissing a partner’s comment about a song or a funny video may feel harmless but can create subtle disconnection over time.
   • Solution: Recognize that every bid matters. These moments are opportunities to strengthen your bond—even if they seem minor.

This Week’s Challenge

This week, I encourage you to notice the bids for connection in your relationship—and make an effort to respond to them. These moments might look like:

• Your partner commenting on something random or funny.
• Sharing a story about their day.
• Asking for your opinion or help with something.
• Offering a hug, smile, or physical gesture.

When you notice a bid, take a moment to turn toward it. Respond with attention, kindness, or engagement. You’ll be surprised by how quickly these little moments add up.

Real-Life Example

Let’s consider a couple, Sarah and Mark. Mark is watching TV when Sarah walks in and says, “You’ll never believe what happened at work today!”

Mark has a choice:

1. He can turn away: Keep watching TV and offer a distracted response like, “Oh yeah? That’s nice.”
2. He can turn toward: Pause the TV, make eye contact, and say, “Really? Tell me all about it.”

By choosing to turn toward Sarah’s bid for connection, Mark makes her feel valued and heard. Over time, these choices build a strong, loving relationship.

A Final Thought

Don’t miss the small moments. They may seem ordinary, but they’re the building blocks of something extraordinary. Every bid for connection is an opportunity to say, “I see you. I value you. I love you.”

As Dr. John Gottman says, “Small things often.” By consistently showing up for your partner in the little moments, you’re creating a foundation of trust, intimacy, and love that can stand the test of time.

Start noticing, start responding, and watch how your connection deepens.

I’ll see you next Tuesday for more tips on creating stronger, healthier relationships.

Take care, everyone!